Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
