apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
