the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
