It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
