That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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