My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
