Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
