my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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