Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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