I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
