During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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