Got a toothbrush?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
