I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I am one with the molecules
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize