I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
