At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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