I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
