I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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