You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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