So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
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