The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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