just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
