His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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