Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
