DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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