lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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