woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize