Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
