If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
