Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
