Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
