the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
