That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize