Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
