Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
