i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
