I seem to have left my pride at pride
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
