I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize