What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
