and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize