I met the friendliest cop last night
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
organizing the empties. That sober.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Someone signed my nipple.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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