i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
