I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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