my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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