Your face is a jimmy john
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
