Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
