He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
