please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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