I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
being pregnant is like rehab
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
