she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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