i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize