look no pants
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize