we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
