just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
