I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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