i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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