just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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