nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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