Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize