Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
