Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The uberlube is also flammable
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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