I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
