Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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