I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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